Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening. –Rumi
Many of us talk much more than we listen, and when we are not talking, we are planning what we are going to say. Does this sound familiar? If so, do your communications and relationships suffer as a result? If you are caught in this very common trap, what can you do to silence the ever-present monkey mind and switch from a speaking to a listening mode?
Begin by trying to set aside your ideas and opinions to more readily access the world of the other. If you have not noticed, we do not all inhabit the same shoes, and we do not all experience reality in quite the same way. One way to quiet our mental cacophony of ideas and opinions is to breathe, consciously and with awareness. Deep breathing not only quiets the mind, but it opens the organs of hearing, the ears, and listening, the heart.
Next, let the speaker speak. While this sounds simple, it calls for vigilance. Monkey mind is ever ready to pounce back in with opinions, ideas, and “it’s my turn!” Instead, listen actively and occasionally repeat what you think you have heard. Try sentence starters such as:
- So what I heard you say is …..
- Do you mean that …..
- Let me see if I understand. (short summary follows)
- Did I get that right? (follows a short summary)
If the speaker says that you have not heard correctly, ask simple, clarifying questions. Try sentence starters such as:
- What do you mean when you say …?
- When you say ….., do you mean ….?
Then, try asking the simple yet powerful question: Is there more?
This question is a fundamental part of the Imago Intentional Dialogue, a structured form of dialoguing developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. It helps hidden issues and concerns surface, and thus deepens any conversation and relationship.
These simple suggestions are first steps in Rumi’s “…learning to speak by listening” The next easy and simple part of the Listening/Speaking dance will be highlighted in an upcoming blog.
